I Lost The Faith. Truth! My Story.

I wanted to post since I haven’t posted for a while. I just approved a post that was left in my “Anti-Mormon Literature, Don’t Doubt!!” post several months ago. They made a comment that struck home to me. One of the reasons why I haven’t posted in so long is because I have been struggling. Yes, I will admit it, just as I have before. It’s been hard for me because I lost my recommend again. I lost my calling along with it. I’m maybe a few months away from retaining it, but believe me it’s been harder than ever for me. Reason being because I let my fire die when I broke the covenant that I did. Before I did what I did I remember quite clearly justifying in my head that if I did what I did I knew what would happen. I’d lose my calling, I’d lose my recommend, it’s just easier to sin now pay later. And honestly it was. At first I didn’t regret doing what I did. Not one bit. But then a few days later the fear of what I had done lead me fast and far past depression. I tried to commit suicide. My best friend knew about it and called my bishop. My bishop asked to speak to me and I dumped everything on him. As I was meeting with him a second time to discuss having what is called a “Bishopric Counsel” where the bishopric meets as judges, you tell your story, and they then deliberate for sometimes up to an hour about what your consiquence could be, I worried in my mind of being what is called disfellowshipped or even excommunicated. Through revelation given him as a bishop and steward over me, I didn’t need to go through what would have been the third Bishopric Counsel in my life. He and I, with the help of a therapist would help me get through my vicious cycle I’d put myself on. There were deeper issues I had to deal with. And they were right. When I was 15 I had been raped. The issue had be suppressed and when I was half way through my mission and confronted with the trial of a life time – almost being raped, along with my companion, by our neighbor – those memories came shooting back up. Almost 4 months after being home not only had my life fallen to pieces, but I attempted to sleep with someone. I couldn’t do it, was too scared, but lost my recommend anyway. I Got it back that next year and then though things were going so well, the cycle happened again. I got depressed after a horrible break up and attempted to do the same thing. The results were the same. I couldn’t do it. I lost my recommend anyway! That second time I thought I had everything under control. I’d decided I was going to try my hardest to keep my recommend and do everything the Lord asked me. For once I felt like the spiritual powerhouse I felt before my mission. I received a calling at the temple as an ordinance worker. It felt GREAT to know I was in good standing with the Lord. I started dating my best friend to only break up with him within a month. I took that blow the hardest of all! Though, I didn’t feel like I wanted to rush out and find a guy to cure the problem… This time I found myself becoming increasingly bitter. My calling became a job. The promises I kept telling people made me angry… Though I had thousands and thousands of faith inspiring moments my faith became increasingly weaker until suddenly I found I had very little. I barely remember the reasons why it happened, but when a guy I had dated months before attempted to convince me that we could be “make out buddies” the thought didn’t sound good to me. I went anyway. I hoped it wouldn’t turn that way, but it did. Only one night and it sickened me. I told my bishop that next day… He asked me to report to the temple I would be on leave for a month. I did as told. Things from then on, I hoped, would get better. But they didn’t. That next month I had my next trial and failed miserably. An elder from my mission that I barely knew contacted me. He was going to be in town and wanted to catch up. I knew he was no good, but I wanted to give him a chance to prove me wrong. The whole time we were hanging out he tried to convince me to sleep with him… He made me feel cheep – and I fell for it. Something inside me wanted to believe he was right about me. To my utter embarrassment, in one stupid moment, knowing full well what I was doing, I gave up my calling and my temple recommend that I had worked SO HARD to get back. He told me not to regret it because he wouldn’t. I didn’t at first… And then like I said before, it went far past depression. I went suicidal. There were moments I am ashamed to admit I didn’t even believe there was a God. I had no idea if all the things I’d been learning were true. Promises I wasn’t seeing keep being my focus. It was hard to see anything else. Sure the doctrine sounded like it had no holes, but if I didn’t believe in God that left one HUGE hole… The thought of no God always brought me to tears for some reason… I tried to find help and comfort. Prayer didn’t help, I heard and felt NOTHING. In total opposite of what everyone tells you to do, I stopped praying, attending church – how could I go to church now that I’d let EVERYONE down, paying tithing, reading my scriptures….

My dark depression went on for several months until one day as I sat in my new bishop’s office and he asked my story I sat and thought for a moment… I told him how I longed for the day I could get up on fast and testimony meeting and tell the ward “I know that Christ is REAL. I know that there IS A GOD.”…. I sat a thought of the moments I had when I worked in the temple… When my very first shift for the day was to be in the Celestial Room… How I felt the burning in my heart as I silently prayed that the promises I had been promised would be a reality and that he would ease my broken heart… That moment as I told the bishop I wanted to feel THAT again, I started to cry. It wasn’t pity for my situation, it was actual tears of thankfulness… I FELT IT! I felt it again!!! I felt the spirit!!! For the first time in MONTHS I allowed myself to feel the spirit again. I had humbled myself enough to let pride get out of the way and acknowledge the Lord and His hand in my life.

I’m still struggling down this road. I don’t have my recommend back, and believe me there are moments when pride does get in the way of my progress and I step back a few miles… But I KNOW without hesitation that he’s there. Every time I imagine that he isn’t I feel the difference. It’s dark and lonely. Nothing makes sense. But I cannot doubt the fact that I know he’s there, loves me, knows me, and will always care for me. No matter how many STUPID things I do.

So to the person who posted that comment the other day – thank you. Thank you for the moment you gave me, to not only share and relate in our struggles, but to also acknowledge that though I may be human, I still know that he’s there. Just as much as you do. We’re not perfect. But one day, we can be. I am not afraid to bear testimony that the Lord, Jesus Christ is my Redeemer and Savior. That through His redeeming sacrifice it made it possible that I might enjoy the blessings of eternal life and the opportunity for exaltation in the Celestial Kingdom – in my loving, caring, and amazing Father’s presence. And these blessings are not only mine but every living soul’s upon the earth through our good deeds, kind words and trust in the Lord. I am so awh-struck by the love that my Father has for us to create a plan so sublime that he elected a lamb, to sacrifice to the broken law, that we may all come home if we lay our sins upon it.

And this is my story and my humble testimony that there is a God, that there is a plan, that we are not perfect, and through the mercy and grace of the Lamb of God I can become.
In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

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