Moving Day – Ugh! And An Unwanted Blast From The Past

So it’s moving day. Monday I called the city and found out that my land lord wasn’t zoned. Tuesday I started moving stuff over because my land lord had yet again come into my apartment and wondered around. After moving about 9 boxes back to Carriage Cove I went to Gold’s Gym with Hailey. This time I was so angry I wanted to just release the rage that was in me. So in 2 hours I went 3 miles on the elliptical and 4 miles on the treadmill. One of my favorite movies was on, Double Jeopardy. Yes, that’s an R rated movie, but since it was on TV it was edited! WOO HOO!! Once I get moved back in I plan to grab my movies I want edited and edit them. I’ve got a nice little stack of movies to edit right now. Double Jeopardy is one of them.

When I got home around 10pm my roommate and I confronted our land lord about what I’d found out. He told me I was stupid for calling the city and was extremely angry. I told him I would be moving out, along with my roommate, and told him I expected my money back in full. He said that was fine. He blamed me “Great! Now I have no tennants” and looked as though he’d punch a wall. The doorbell rang and it was the neighbor. He brought him downstairs and we all discussed it. My land lord had so many things to do before he could get zoned and HE KNEW IT. He was angry that I’d ratted on him that he was renting illegally.

He left for about 10 minutes and then came back down and said he was sorry and asked if I was okay. It was actually quite scary seeing him get so upset! He then told my roommate and me that he would prorate us for the time we were there and give us the rest back after. WHAT?! HE IS RENTING ILLEGALLY! I GET IT ALL BACK, RETARD!!! (oh yeah, I used the R word – haha!)

So I’ve been moving ever since. This morning when I got up I went through a box that looked as though it was only a bunch of papers. As I had been going through it I found 2 folders that my mom had given me that were labeled “Marie” and “Marie – Medical”… Once I opened one I started to cry. The first paper was from the State of Utah about my rape. How Wayne had been convicted of sexual battery and would have 24 months probation for what he did to me. It was the most upsetting feeling to see those papers again. I remembered not totally understanding when my mom got the letter and she told me what happened to him. I just remember her reaction telling me to not be upset that he got away with it. A million feelings rushed through me as I flipped through the papers. One stated that I had lost my rights as a victim to continue to seek help from the state for therapy. I almost wanted to call them and say “MY LIFE IS SCREWED UP RIGHT NOW AND I NEED A THERAPIST! YOU WILL PAY!” Maybe I should, I don’t know. There has to be some kind of rights for the victim. My rights ended in 2006 – while I was on my mission. In 2007 I had to relive my horrible experience and was sent home from my mission to the life I’m experiencing now. Terrified of my land lord, though I know why I was so terrified of him. He acts almost like Wayne did.

I closed the folder and stood up to try and get away from the thought. I stamped my foot and told myself “I’m okay. The worst is over. It’s okay!” to try and stop thinking about it. The emotion was still there. I picked up my sweater, grabbed my bag and forced myself outside to drive to my parent’s house. It hurt to move. Every object around me – the trees, grass, side walk – it all felt like it was in the distance and far far far away from anything I could even touch. I was numb.

Opening that folder was a break in my stream of “push, push, push – get through” the day. I couldn’t go any further. Too much was happening, I had too much stress, and I don’t even have the ability to stop yet. I can’t stop until I’m completely moved out. Until then I have to push through the pain… Thank God for Zanex. I sure will need all 3 pills today.

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