Back In The Saddle Again

Well I seriously need to post what’s been happening…

Last Wednesday I met with the Stake President and told him what was going on with my bishop. I told him I wasn’t “taddling” on my bishop, I just honestly wanted to know what my next step was. What I needed to do in order to get my recommend back. He said as far as he saw it it wasn’t a matter of sin that I was waiting for and since my bishop was a new bishop, he needed to counsel with him and find out what his reservations were. So I waited… almost a week I waited… I wondered if I was even going to hear from my bishop for an interview at all… Tuesday I got the call from the executive secretary. I had a meeting with my bishop Wednesday at 8:20.

I went into my interview thinking “okay, don’t let him know how hurt you are, just wait.” He asked for updates on what was happening in my life. I told him about my awesome new therapist and reminded him gently how the Church had asked me to see a therapist after having a neighbor on my mission attempt to rape my companion and I – sending me home 9 months early. I reminded him how I was unable to afford my therapist, but the Church promised to pay for it in full and that the Church had never mentioned that I only needed to see someone at LDS Family Services. I’ll need to speak with my new bishop about that one, I suppose, since I only have a month left at my current apartment.

The bishop then asked how he could help me and I responded “I want to know what I need to do now to get my recommend back.”
He then asked how I was with the law of chastity and if I felt ok. I said yes. He then said “Well I can do the interview now or we can do it whenever.”
He then told me that he’d heard from the stake president and I burst into tears. He told me that one day he hopes I will be able to get past the pain caused by my experiences with sexual abuse and that I can get the help I need. I was not responsible for the sins that man had done against me and it was not my fault. He hoped one day I’d be able to truly believe that of myself. That’s one thing I have been struggling with. I need to know deep in my soul that I am clean and pure and that the atonement really does make me clean. And like Heavenly Father has promised, I have been made clean.

Bishop asked for forgiveness about whatever he may have said the last time we met that made me think he was mad at me or didn’t want to help me… It was far longer than that that the problem had been going on, I was just too chicken to say anything.

I had my recommend interview today and got my recommend back. Oddly enough I feel the same as I did before. I know I need to read my scriptures more and pray longer and more often. Heavens, all of us can do that more! But I’m thankful for the help of a loving stake president who was willing to listen to me cry for a good half hour and ask for help.

I can’t wait to get back to the temple. Honestly it all happened so suddenly it feels like a dream! If anything, I hope others take my struggle I’ve been through and realize that if something feels unfair or odd, speak to a stake president or even someone higher in the stewardship line. If I was the one out of line, my stake president would have said so. But I wasn’t. So things are better. My task now is to heal myself of the issues I now have due to my rape.

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