I’ve been wound up so tightly lately over people who have used me, been inconsiderate towards me, and have hurt me that I’ve lashed out – holding nothing back – at EVERYONE who has ever done it in the past or is currently using me. I’m so tired of being walked on and I just can’t take it anymore! I’m cautious of all my other friends because of it… Or at least friends who claim they are friends. This morning I was thinking about how I honestly am all alone here in Utah Valley. Yes, I have a few friends here – all men – who don’t use me. Oddly enough I have only male friends who talk to me lately. Sarah and I still chat but we haven’t seen each other in a few weeks. All my REAL friends are M-A-R-R-I-E-D with children! I guess this is the facts of life, eventually you have to continue to make good friends… But I find it so hard to do that out here. I work my butt off every day at work, I actually don’t talk anymore at work because I feel like every time I open my mouth to chat with the girls they hate my guts. There’s only one guy who talks to me there. We mostly talk about politics. (holy crap, why is this making me cry?!) He’s the only one who acknowledges my existence when I enter the room in the morning. He always says “hello”. He’s kind of a quiet one too. But he’s opened up a lot more. I feel invisible. I feel like people purposely try to avoid me. Like I’m the annoying drunk girl or something… I’m not… but I feel like I’m being treated that way. I used to be bubbly and open and relaxed. Now all I am is quiet, reserved, and angry… What happened to me?! I’m becoming bitter and short tempered. I don’t want to end up the angry work-aholic who owns a million cats and one day falls out her window after talking to her boss on the phone and then the cats come save her and give her life and then she makes a crazy leather jumper on her sewing machine and pray paints crazy things on her walls….. ok, yeah, I think I’ve just watched wwaayyy too many movies lately…..
Either way, since I’m currently crying about all of this and who I’m becoming, I need to think of a way to get AWAY from this behavior… Lets see… Work. Can’t find friends at work. School. I don’t go to school. New ward. I haven’t been to my new ward yet, but I sure could find friends there! Institute. I hate going to institute because I can never find parking. I don’t want to walk 3 miles just to end up having huffed and puffed all the way there. Usually I get the weird guys asking for my number anyway… Is there another institute building SOMEWHERE?! The gym. Ugh, no. I don’t like looking for guys at the gym and I sure don’t like guys hitting on me at the gym. Online. Yeah, I’ve tried that. I’m only on one website and it’s all the same guys. There’s no one new. Wait, wait, wait! We’re not looking for men, we’re looking for GIRL FRIENDS!… Why do I always look for guy friends?… Maybe it’s because I can’t stand girl drama. Men don’t have drama. Well some of them don’t. LOL! I’ve met a few that have tons of it. But those ones I usually don’t talk to. I lost 2 friends already this year that were guys because they wanted to marry me. Nice men, just not in the gospel frame of mind and didn’t want to change.
You know what? I think I need to paint this blue wall in my bedroom. The guy at work told me that its a scientifically proven fact that blue walls will eventually make you depressed…. But I painted the walls beach colors, I didn’t think they’d make me depressed. Granted the blue walls (other 2 walls are sandy cream) are a bit dark… Maybe I could lighten the blue… I’ve got a heavy teal blue thing covering my window too… Maybe that’s making me depressed?! Hmmmm…. It’s a thought…