Wow, what a life!

So it’s been QUITE a while with all the things going on since I’ve posted.
Here’s a quick update. Christy is out of the hospital and home. It’s been a struggle because she’s definitely not the same Christy but she is Christy. We love her still.

I met a young man in October and we began a long distance relationship. We decided to get married and had been planning the whole thing. I picked out a beautiful dress and bought his ring. November 18th in the Sao Paulo Brazil temple. Then as things progressed, I kept feeling that I needed to look into an issue he’d had with the military but told me not to worry about. So I looked into it and found that a dishonorable discharge was given for him avoiding being deployed with his unit last year. I was heart broken! I’d bought a ticket to go to Brazil where he’d gone right before his unit deployed but now had no reason for going. Then as soon as I found out this information and decided in my heart I could never marry a man so immature and disrespectful not only to me but our country, he contacted me and said that he’d got the feeling that we shouldn’t get married. The Lord told him that. LOL! GOOD THING! GOD MUST BE SMART!!! I asked him what he wanted me to do about the trip and he said to still come. I prayed and felt I should still go but not for him. I was to go for his mother. I asked my bishop. He was very against me going! I asked him to give me a blessing. I was told to go and prepare for a great adventure awaiting me…

Well I went, my ex was immature and rude the whole time. Would hardly even talk to me let alone look at me. When I got home we fought via email. We can’t even communicate without him getting upset. His parents loved me and told him he was making a huge mistake. By the end of my stay there I finally just told his parents that I had made the choice to walk away. They still said I was adopted. LOL!

When I got home I started 2 new jobs. One as an office manager/HR manager and the other as a photographer. The photographer job was only 9 hours a week. The office manager job was full time – 40 hours. My boss had told me that he planned to fire the girl who was the current manager and hire me. Well when I got there she wasn’t fired, she was moved to sales and docked her pay. She said she’d raise hell all week she was training me and by the beginning of my second week, she did. I got into work one morning, my desk was changed, everything was different. She was sitting there. I went into my boss’s office with her and he said “Its not working out I’m going to have to let you go” with her sitting right next to me! Ugh!!! So I now have no job… other than one that I can’t survive on. I have no idea how to make rent, how to pay bills by the end of this month. I’m SCARED! I was laid off at the job I had before that one. And the job before that I was laid off too! The economy SUCKS here in the states and I can’t find work to survive! I may end up declaring bankruptcy! I have no idea what else to do! :’(

So that’s my life right now in a nut-shell. Yes, I’m struggling right now with my church attendance. Mainly because I’ve been sick as a dog since I got to Brazil and I’ve been trying to find work. :’( I have a meeting with my bishop tonight though. First time seeing him since before I left to Brazil.

Oh I almost forgot some things! Since before I left to Brazil my friend D and I have been writing each other. He’s currently in Boot Camp at the San Diego MCRD. He and I knew each other because of the Marine Corps. He was the guide at the recruiter’s office. He and I also worked at another place together. At the same time I was starting dating my ex I started falling for D. D told me I was crazy for falling for my ex. He was right. He left to boot camp telling me he’d stay out of my life and I’d never see him again. I had started falling in love with him. Well after about 2 months at Boot he tells his sister to find me and give me his address. I wrote him. We’ve been writing ever since. He writes almost every day. I miss him so much. He’s active in the church – PS. He says we can go out when he gets home. No guarantees on if we’ll end up together, but we can at least try. haha!

Prayers For Christy

To those who don’t know, my friend Christy is currently in the hospital. On August 28th she suffered a sever head injury that resulted in 3 neuro surgeries to remove clotting. I have been helping to keep a blog for her and would love to share the experience I had today with her. It touched my heart…

“I saw Christy for the 2nd time since the accident today. She’s looking so much better. They took out every other staple in her head today too. Dustin and I sat with her for a few minutes. It feels so peaceful in the room. I know of no other way to describe the feeling than to say it feels like being in the temple. The spirit is so strong there. Christy had been coughing a lot to try and clear her throat. The nurse came in and cleared it out for her. Dustin left for a moment after she was done. I slid to the edge of my chair to see Christy and she opened her eyes and looked at me. As she did she pointed to her right and I asked if someone was there. She nodded her head. I asked if it was Grandpa and she quickly shook her head no. She was very sure it wasn’t him. I asked who it was and she shrugged to say she didn’t know. The spirit in the room was indescribable.

I can’t wait for Christy to come home so I can talk to her some more about the gospel. I loved our conversations. I miss talking to her and telling her things. I can’t do that right now. I hope she gets better soon. I miss her and love her. I’m so thankful she’s still here. Each day is a blessing. I’ve learned that now. Every breath is a blessing. This life is so short. I’m so thankful for Christy. So thankful for our loving Heavenly Father and for our Savior Jesus Christ. I’m so amazed by the sacrifice they both made so that we could have the chance to take a step back and look at our lives and change.

Christy, come home soon! We need to go to the temple. I miss you!

Alma 37:6 – “Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.”

Please visit Christy’s blog – Prayers For Christy

Hard Times, But Hopeful

I’ve had a few trials of a life time already this year. My health seems to be one that’s not going to let up soon. I’d decided I was going to move, I moved into a condo with a friend’s sister and then woke up one morning unable to feel my legs or bend without pain. My situation was diagnosed a month later as disc herniation. Though it is mild-moderate, it still hurts like none other. I had also been training to join the military again. I think this is possibly Heavenly Father’s way of telling me “no”. Did I want to listen? “no.”… Instead I went to meet with a recruiter with the Navy and was sexually harassed by my recruiter. I was speaking with a guy at the time that I was madly in love with who is serving over seas – a Seabee in the Navy, stationed in Farah, Afghanistan. I told him and he called my recruiter’s office 10,000 miles away to yell at my recruiter’s boss. Thankfully the recruiter who had sexually harassed me had to call me not but 20 minutes later to apologize.
My thoughts as of now to joining the military have been extinguished. I no longer feel the desire to do so. To get into shape, yes, but join, no. The only desire I have to be a part of the military is working as a civilian or being a military wife. I only want one man hitting on me for the rest of my life and that man had better be my husband.

I’ve been going to a physical therapist close to home, they’re teaching me exercises to do and they hurt, but I push through the pain. I end up feeling it the next morning. My doctor believes that this injury is caused by my job. Meaning I will have to go in and file a worker’s compensation claim Tuesday when I get back to work. I am a graphic designer and sit for 8+ hours at a desk every day.

On top of the added stress of physical health I almost lost my job. I was seeing many doctors and my work was suffering. They decided to let me go. I begged them for a second chance and ended up on probation for 4 weeks. I just got through my 4th week on Friday. Hopefully things will go better and I will be able to keep my job a little longer.

The guy I was madly in love with went from talking marriage on Sunday to telling me we needed to slow down on Monday. Why? Because of stress… What stress you may ask? … War. He’s being over worked with little time to relax and having to worry about me – sexually harassed by recruiters and other things like that – isn’t what he needs right now. To be fair, we’ve never met and in 3 months we went really fast. He still has 6 months left and slowing down probably is a good idea. I just need to allow myself to see other men. Right now, if I was to be face to face with an attractive man who was genuinely interested in me, I’d probably not even notice. I spent last week crying over him… He says it’s ok if I do choose to date and ok if I don’t. I don’t but I know I should… When this all happened I was planning to send him a care package filled with his favorite candy bars, the April edition of the Ensign, DVDs of “Finding Nemo” and “The Sandlot”, and a copy of “The Holy Temple”. Tuesday I was writing the letter for his package debating on what I should say now that he wanted to slow things down… I got the feeling I needed to do something for him that I still would have done even if this hadn’t happened. I put my pen down, grabbed my bag, and drove over to the Distribution Center in Orem. A few weeks ago while we spoke on Skype he told me how he’d had sacrament that day in one of the extra storage sheds. Just he and another person. There are no other LDS people on his base. He picked up his humble scriptures and showed them to me. 4 military edition books duct taped together and on his duct taped cover it read “Mormon Battle Stories.”
I went straight to the shelf, picked up a compact quad and bought it along with a carrying case. For a little extra I had his name engraved on them. I sent the package the very next day.

If that wasn’t bad enough my roommate was being evicted for not paying rent. We (there are 3 of us) are all on 1 contract. The condo we live in is $850 a month. We’ve split the rent and the one with the master bedroom paid more. She was the one with the bigger lump sum. So she was evicted and we had to find someone to replace her before the 1st. It was a blessing in disguise when the first girl who came to see the place decided she wanted to move in right then and there. What a blessing! In any way, God was watching out for us with that. I’m almost thinking it’s meant to be that she live with us. She’s a sweet girl and I think I’ve already found a friend to go to my new ward with.

Today I am trying to just get through the day. The Spanish speaking missionaries just stopped by to see if anyone here spoke Spanish. I sure don’t. My last name is Spanish, but I’m as American as they come. I took their card and number just in case I do meet someone who speaks Spanish in my area. I don’t know anyone here. When the missionaries came only one thought came rushing to my head “My new ward has never seen me and they know my last name. They probably think I wont come because I’m Spanish.”
I wont come because I was outcast in my last ward and it’s taking all of me just to have faith that things will be okay. The day I moved out of my old apartment my stupid, cruel roommates used my bedroom as a garbage dump. I didn’t even get my deposit back from my old apartment complex. In fact they’re charging me $35 along with taking my deposit. They can kiss my butt if they want it, they’re not getting a dime from me!

I need hope, I need faith that there are good people out there. I’ve met a few, but I’m feeling quite alone right now. I do have hope that things will get better. They can’t all be bad! I got a new roommate and have a job! Right? The positive… Must focus on the positive.

Being Used

I’ve been wound up so tightly lately over people who have used me, been inconsiderate towards me, and have hurt me that I’ve lashed out – holding nothing back – at EVERYONE who has ever done it in the past or is currently using me. I’m so tired of being walked on and I just can’t take it anymore! I’m cautious of all my other friends because of it… Or at least friends who claim they are friends. This morning I was thinking about how I honestly am all alone here in Utah Valley. Yes, I have a few friends here – all men – who don’t use me. Oddly enough I have only male friends who talk to me lately. Sarah and I still chat but we haven’t seen each other in a few weeks. All my REAL friends are M-A-R-R-I-E-D with children! I guess this is the facts of life, eventually you have to continue to make good friends… But I find it so hard to do that out here. I work my butt off every day at work, I actually don’t talk anymore at work because I feel like every time I open my mouth to chat with the girls they hate my guts. There’s only one guy who talks to me there. We mostly talk about politics. (holy crap, why is this making me cry?!) He’s the only one who acknowledges my existence when I enter the room in the morning. He always says “hello”. He’s kind of a quiet one too. But he’s opened up a lot more. I feel invisible. I feel like people purposely try to avoid me. Like I’m the annoying drunk girl or something… I’m not… but I feel like I’m being treated that way. I used to be bubbly and open and relaxed. Now all I am is quiet, reserved, and angry… What happened to me?! I’m becoming bitter and short tempered. I don’t want to end up the angry work-aholic who owns a million cats and one day falls out her window after talking to her boss on the phone and then the cats come save her and give her life and then she makes a crazy leather jumper on her sewing machine and pray paints crazy things on her walls….. ok, yeah, I think I’ve just watched wwaayyy too many movies lately…..

Either way, since I’m currently crying about all of this and who I’m becoming, I need to think of a way to get AWAY from this behavior… Lets see… Work. Can’t find friends at work. School. I don’t go to school. New ward. I haven’t been to my new ward yet, but I sure could find friends there! Institute. I hate going to institute because I can never find parking. I don’t want to walk 3 miles just to end up having huffed and puffed all the way there. Usually I get the weird guys asking for my number anyway… Is there another institute building SOMEWHERE?! The gym. Ugh, no. I don’t like looking for guys at the gym and I sure don’t like guys hitting on me at the gym. Online. Yeah, I’ve tried that. I’m only on one website and it’s all the same guys. There’s no one new. Wait, wait, wait! We’re not looking for men, we’re looking for GIRL FRIENDS!… Why do I always look for guy friends?… Maybe it’s because I can’t stand girl drama. Men don’t have drama. Well some of them don’t. LOL! I’ve met a few that have tons of it. But those ones I usually don’t talk to. I lost 2 friends already this year that were guys because they wanted to marry me. Nice men, just not in the gospel frame of mind and didn’t want to change.

You know what? I think I need to paint this blue wall in my bedroom. The guy at work told me that its a scientifically proven fact that blue walls will eventually make you depressed…. But I painted the walls beach colors, I didn’t think they’d make me depressed. Granted the blue walls (other 2 walls are sandy cream) are a bit dark… Maybe I could lighten the blue… I’ve got a heavy teal blue thing covering my window too… Maybe that’s making me depressed?! Hmmmm…. It’s a thought…

So Expected

As most of you know I’ve had issues with the immature girls who live at Carriage Cove. Well this one takes the cake. I’d moved out 3 weeks before my check out date because I couldn’t stand living with those girls anymore. When I first moved in they were FANTASTIC! But one bad mistake – sleeping with a guy from my mission and while scare crapless hoping I wasn’t pregnant, I turned to them for support. They alienated me, avoided me, paired off, and counted me among the spawn of Satan. I wasn’t invited to church with them anymore, I wasn’t invited to any church activity, you name it they quickly ran out the door before I’d even attempt to ask if I could go with them.

Today was my check out at Carriage Cove. Yesterday I spent the whole evening CLEANING! My bedroom, the bathroom – there’s still dark spots on the tub, I’m sure they’ll fail me, the kitchen, everything! I was PISSED! So at 9pm I gave up and went home. Everything was done. I planned to come back at 8am to check out like planned. I went into the office and Dawnetta, the manager, tells me to leave the keys and paper work on my desk in my room. So I went back over to the apartment and left it there. When I walked into my room I saw something that pissed me off like no other. THE STUPID @#$!%*&!()*& (#*&$!~)%& USED MY BEDROOM AS A GARBAGE ROOM!!!!! They took every bit of garbage they could find and PUT IT IN MY ROOM!!!!!! I quickly gathered everything – IT WASNT MINE! And ran it out to the dumpster. Making sure to try and wake the house as I rushed things out. Banging as I left. Danielle woke up and opened the door. I screamed at her “THESE ARE NOT MINE AND HOW DARE YOU GUYS USE MY ROOM AS A DUMPING GROUND RIGHT BEFORE CHECK OUTS!!!”
“We put it in there because we didn’t know who it belonged to.”
“GARBAGE?! REALLY?!”
“We knew you’d clean it out because you were coming back”
Right then I almost punched her in the face! I took the last bag of crap before I could punch her and rushed it out the door. She went back to her room. I came back in, went into my room, dropped off the keys and locked the door as I left. As I rushed to my car before I could picked up a friendly rock and pitched it towards a bedroom window of the roommate I’ve hated most and I’m sure cooked up the plan, I called Carriage Cove. Dawnetta was in the office but didn’t answer, so I left a message. I explained what happened and said “If anything else fails, I’m sure I’ll know who to blame. I spent a day cleaning that place!”

All I can say is I’m SO GLAD I’m not going to have to deal with those STUPID, IMMATURE, RUDE, and B!TCHY 19-22 year old GIRLS anymore.

Back In The Saddle Again

Well I seriously need to post what’s been happening…

Last Wednesday I met with the Stake President and told him what was going on with my bishop. I told him I wasn’t “taddling” on my bishop, I just honestly wanted to know what my next step was. What I needed to do in order to get my recommend back. He said as far as he saw it it wasn’t a matter of sin that I was waiting for and since my bishop was a new bishop, he needed to counsel with him and find out what his reservations were. So I waited… almost a week I waited… I wondered if I was even going to hear from my bishop for an interview at all… Tuesday I got the call from the executive secretary. I had a meeting with my bishop Wednesday at 8:20.

I went into my interview thinking “okay, don’t let him know how hurt you are, just wait.” He asked for updates on what was happening in my life. I told him about my awesome new therapist and reminded him gently how the Church had asked me to see a therapist after having a neighbor on my mission attempt to rape my companion and I – sending me home 9 months early. I reminded him how I was unable to afford my therapist, but the Church promised to pay for it in full and that the Church had never mentioned that I only needed to see someone at LDS Family Services. I’ll need to speak with my new bishop about that one, I suppose, since I only have a month left at my current apartment.

The bishop then asked how he could help me and I responded “I want to know what I need to do now to get my recommend back.”
He then asked how I was with the law of chastity and if I felt ok. I said yes. He then said “Well I can do the interview now or we can do it whenever.”
He then told me that he’d heard from the stake president and I burst into tears. He told me that one day he hopes I will be able to get past the pain caused by my experiences with sexual abuse and that I can get the help I need. I was not responsible for the sins that man had done against me and it was not my fault. He hoped one day I’d be able to truly believe that of myself. That’s one thing I have been struggling with. I need to know deep in my soul that I am clean and pure and that the atonement really does make me clean. And like Heavenly Father has promised, I have been made clean.

Bishop asked for forgiveness about whatever he may have said the last time we met that made me think he was mad at me or didn’t want to help me… It was far longer than that that the problem had been going on, I was just too chicken to say anything.

I had my recommend interview today and got my recommend back. Oddly enough I feel the same as I did before. I know I need to read my scriptures more and pray longer and more often. Heavens, all of us can do that more! But I’m thankful for the help of a loving stake president who was willing to listen to me cry for a good half hour and ask for help.

I can’t wait to get back to the temple. Honestly it all happened so suddenly it feels like a dream! If anything, I hope others take my struggle I’ve been through and realize that if something feels unfair or odd, speak to a stake president or even someone higher in the stewardship line. If I was the one out of line, my stake president would have said so. But I wasn’t. So things are better. My task now is to heal myself of the issues I now have due to my rape.

Moving Day – Ugh! And An Unwanted Blast From The Past

So it’s moving day. Monday I called the city and found out that my land lord wasn’t zoned. Tuesday I started moving stuff over because my land lord had yet again come into my apartment and wondered around. After moving about 9 boxes back to Carriage Cove I went to Gold’s Gym with Hailey. This time I was so angry I wanted to just release the rage that was in me. So in 2 hours I went 3 miles on the elliptical and 4 miles on the treadmill. One of my favorite movies was on, Double Jeopardy. Yes, that’s an R rated movie, but since it was on TV it was edited! WOO HOO!! Once I get moved back in I plan to grab my movies I want edited and edit them. I’ve got a nice little stack of movies to edit right now. Double Jeopardy is one of them.

When I got home around 10pm my roommate and I confronted our land lord about what I’d found out. He told me I was stupid for calling the city and was extremely angry. I told him I would be moving out, along with my roommate, and told him I expected my money back in full. He said that was fine. He blamed me “Great! Now I have no tennants” and looked as though he’d punch a wall. The doorbell rang and it was the neighbor. He brought him downstairs and we all discussed it. My land lord had so many things to do before he could get zoned and HE KNEW IT. He was angry that I’d ratted on him that he was renting illegally.

He left for about 10 minutes and then came back down and said he was sorry and asked if I was okay. It was actually quite scary seeing him get so upset! He then told my roommate and me that he would prorate us for the time we were there and give us the rest back after. WHAT?! HE IS RENTING ILLEGALLY! I GET IT ALL BACK, RETARD!!! (oh yeah, I used the R word – haha!)

So I’ve been moving ever since. This morning when I got up I went through a box that looked as though it was only a bunch of papers. As I had been going through it I found 2 folders that my mom had given me that were labeled “Marie” and “Marie – Medical”… Once I opened one I started to cry. The first paper was from the State of Utah about my rape. How Wayne had been convicted of sexual battery and would have 24 months probation for what he did to me. It was the most upsetting feeling to see those papers again. I remembered not totally understanding when my mom got the letter and she told me what happened to him. I just remember her reaction telling me to not be upset that he got away with it. A million feelings rushed through me as I flipped through the papers. One stated that I had lost my rights as a victim to continue to seek help from the state for therapy. I almost wanted to call them and say “MY LIFE IS SCREWED UP RIGHT NOW AND I NEED A THERAPIST! YOU WILL PAY!” Maybe I should, I don’t know. There has to be some kind of rights for the victim. My rights ended in 2006 – while I was on my mission. In 2007 I had to relive my horrible experience and was sent home from my mission to the life I’m experiencing now. Terrified of my land lord, though I know why I was so terrified of him. He acts almost like Wayne did.

I closed the folder and stood up to try and get away from the thought. I stamped my foot and told myself “I’m okay. The worst is over. It’s okay!” to try and stop thinking about it. The emotion was still there. I picked up my sweater, grabbed my bag and forced myself outside to drive to my parent’s house. It hurt to move. Every object around me – the trees, grass, side walk – it all felt like it was in the distance and far far far away from anything I could even touch. I was numb.

Opening that folder was a break in my stream of “push, push, push – get through” the day. I couldn’t go any further. Too much was happening, I had too much stress, and I don’t even have the ability to stop yet. I can’t stop until I’m completely moved out. Until then I have to push through the pain… Thank God for Zanex. I sure will need all 3 pills today.

My New Home

I’ve moved. I felt the time had come and I needed to do it now. So I searched and found a couple who were renting the basment of their home, they had converted it to a basement apartment, and I am now living there. It’s a 6 month lease and I’m already having doubts – very big doubts – about moving there. I’ve been scared and stressed beyond belief that the landlord lives upstairs. His wife is never home and he has access to my apartment just by walking down stairs. There is no lock on the door. I have a roommate. I’ll call her K. She’s really nice, very funny, and has no problem telling me how much she distrusts our land lords. They slack on everything and take liberties to coming into our apartment at any time. Due to what happened on my mission (my neighbor would watch us dressing and even broke into our home), I’m terrified!

Today I took the fear and pushed it towards a helpful direction. I went to the Family History Center, where my mom works, looked up my home on the house on the LDS Find A Meeting House, and then called my new bishop. He seems friendly and open. It’s hope inspiring to speak to him. My last bishop was offensive. I remember my last meeting with him about 3 weeks ago left me in tears. He’s a new bishop, he asked to know my story/history and situation and he instantly decided I needed to be cured of my rape – able to forgive the man who raped me – before I would be given my recommend back. The rape happened 10 years ago! I had forgiven the man! I don’t even think of what happened to me any! But because when he asked if I still worried that the man was out there and I said yes, he thought that meant I hadn’t forgiven him. I have no idea what that man thought I needed to do in order to get my recommend back or forgive him but he wasn’t helping me other than to try and psycho analyse me. One of his counselors was a professor of psychology at BYU and that instantly gave my bishop the “okay” to be my shrink. He was so off the mark it was frustrating! The bishop before him said that I could have my recommend back by February. It’s now March.
Now I have to admit now, if I had no idea what the gospel that is taught was truth I would probably have left this religion already. But, because I know that some people are called to positions to learn and this bishop obviously is following the natural man and not Heavenly Father’s will, I know that I just needed to get myself out of the situation. The doctrine is still true. The people aren’t. That is the difference.

So my meeting with my new bishop is this Sunday. I’m comforted knowing I’ve gotten in contact with him. I’ll tell him about what has happened to me and pray before hand that he will listen with the Lord’s ears and use the Lord’s mind to figure out how to help me. I also need to speak with him about my therapist meetings. It was the church’s missionary department who asked that I meet with someone about what happened on my mission. And because it happened on the mission, the church was supposed to pay for it in full. My previous therapist I met with for almost 2 years and she continued to call me a “whore” and a “slut” and say I was “sleeping around” which was COMPLETELY off base and unprofessional! I decided to try another doctor when my physician diagnosed me last month the PTSD – post traumatic stress disorder. He told me to see someone who specialized in PTSD, which I am. She’s an amazing doctor, but I can’t afford her. So I’m going to have to ask this new bishop if the church can step up to the plate with fulfilling their part of this situation.

Well they’re shutting down so I don’t have a lot of time to post about all that I wanted to. But I will be back to post more soon.

I Lost The Faith. Truth! My Story.

I wanted to post since I haven’t posted for a while. I just approved a post that was left in my “Anti-Mormon Literature, Don’t Doubt!!” post several months ago. They made a comment that struck home to me. One of the reasons why I haven’t posted in so long is because I have been struggling. Yes, I will admit it, just as I have before. It’s been hard for me because I lost my recommend again. I lost my calling along with it. I’m maybe a few months away from retaining it, but believe me it’s been harder than ever for me. Reason being because I let my fire die when I broke the covenant that I did. Before I did what I did I remember quite clearly justifying in my head that if I did what I did I knew what would happen. I’d lose my calling, I’d lose my recommend, it’s just easier to sin now pay later. And honestly it was. At first I didn’t regret doing what I did. Not one bit. But then a few days later the fear of what I had done lead me fast and far past depression. I tried to commit suicide. My best friend knew about it and called my bishop. My bishop asked to speak to me and I dumped everything on him. As I was meeting with him a second time to discuss having what is called a “Bishopric Counsel” where the bishopric meets as judges, you tell your story, and they then deliberate for sometimes up to an hour about what your consiquence could be, I worried in my mind of being what is called disfellowshipped or even excommunicated. Through revelation given him as a bishop and steward over me, I didn’t need to go through what would have been the third Bishopric Counsel in my life. He and I, with the help of a therapist would help me get through my vicious cycle I’d put myself on. There were deeper issues I had to deal with. And they were right. When I was 15 I had been raped. The issue had be suppressed and when I was half way through my mission and confronted with the trial of a life time – almost being raped, along with my companion, by our neighbor – those memories came shooting back up. Almost 4 months after being home not only had my life fallen to pieces, but I attempted to sleep with someone. I couldn’t do it, was too scared, but lost my recommend anyway. I Got it back that next year and then though things were going so well, the cycle happened again. I got depressed after a horrible break up and attempted to do the same thing. The results were the same. I couldn’t do it. I lost my recommend anyway! That second time I thought I had everything under control. I’d decided I was going to try my hardest to keep my recommend and do everything the Lord asked me. For once I felt like the spiritual powerhouse I felt before my mission. I received a calling at the temple as an ordinance worker. It felt GREAT to know I was in good standing with the Lord. I started dating my best friend to only break up with him within a month. I took that blow the hardest of all! Though, I didn’t feel like I wanted to rush out and find a guy to cure the problem… This time I found myself becoming increasingly bitter. My calling became a job. The promises I kept telling people made me angry… Though I had thousands and thousands of faith inspiring moments my faith became increasingly weaker until suddenly I found I had very little. I barely remember the reasons why it happened, but when a guy I had dated months before attempted to convince me that we could be “make out buddies” the thought didn’t sound good to me. I went anyway. I hoped it wouldn’t turn that way, but it did. Only one night and it sickened me. I told my bishop that next day… He asked me to report to the temple I would be on leave for a month. I did as told. Things from then on, I hoped, would get better. But they didn’t. That next month I had my next trial and failed miserably. An elder from my mission that I barely knew contacted me. He was going to be in town and wanted to catch up. I knew he was no good, but I wanted to give him a chance to prove me wrong. The whole time we were hanging out he tried to convince me to sleep with him… He made me feel cheep – and I fell for it. Something inside me wanted to believe he was right about me. To my utter embarrassment, in one stupid moment, knowing full well what I was doing, I gave up my calling and my temple recommend that I had worked SO HARD to get back. He told me not to regret it because he wouldn’t. I didn’t at first… And then like I said before, it went far past depression. I went suicidal. There were moments I am ashamed to admit I didn’t even believe there was a God. I had no idea if all the things I’d been learning were true. Promises I wasn’t seeing keep being my focus. It was hard to see anything else. Sure the doctrine sounded like it had no holes, but if I didn’t believe in God that left one HUGE hole… The thought of no God always brought me to tears for some reason… I tried to find help and comfort. Prayer didn’t help, I heard and felt NOTHING. In total opposite of what everyone tells you to do, I stopped praying, attending church – how could I go to church now that I’d let EVERYONE down, paying tithing, reading my scriptures….

My dark depression went on for several months until one day as I sat in my new bishop’s office and he asked my story I sat and thought for a moment… I told him how I longed for the day I could get up on fast and testimony meeting and tell the ward “I know that Christ is REAL. I know that there IS A GOD.”…. I sat a thought of the moments I had when I worked in the temple… When my very first shift for the day was to be in the Celestial Room… How I felt the burning in my heart as I silently prayed that the promises I had been promised would be a reality and that he would ease my broken heart… That moment as I told the bishop I wanted to feel THAT again, I started to cry. It wasn’t pity for my situation, it was actual tears of thankfulness… I FELT IT! I felt it again!!! I felt the spirit!!! For the first time in MONTHS I allowed myself to feel the spirit again. I had humbled myself enough to let pride get out of the way and acknowledge the Lord and His hand in my life.

I’m still struggling down this road. I don’t have my recommend back, and believe me there are moments when pride does get in the way of my progress and I step back a few miles… But I KNOW without hesitation that he’s there. Every time I imagine that he isn’t I feel the difference. It’s dark and lonely. Nothing makes sense. But I cannot doubt the fact that I know he’s there, loves me, knows me, and will always care for me. No matter how many STUPID things I do.

So to the person who posted that comment the other day – thank you. Thank you for the moment you gave me, to not only share and relate in our struggles, but to also acknowledge that though I may be human, I still know that he’s there. Just as much as you do. We’re not perfect. But one day, we can be. I am not afraid to bear testimony that the Lord, Jesus Christ is my Redeemer and Savior. That through His redeeming sacrifice it made it possible that I might enjoy the blessings of eternal life and the opportunity for exaltation in the Celestial Kingdom – in my loving, caring, and amazing Father’s presence. And these blessings are not only mine but every living soul’s upon the earth through our good deeds, kind words and trust in the Lord. I am so awh-struck by the love that my Father has for us to create a plan so sublime that he elected a lamb, to sacrifice to the broken law, that we may all come home if we lay our sins upon it.

And this is my story and my humble testimony that there is a God, that there is a plan, that we are not perfect, and through the mercy and grace of the Lamb of God I can become.
In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Mormon Myths