To those who are still coming to this blog, I feel it right that I inform you in a blog post what has happened since I last wrote over a year ago…
I have since left the church. I am NOT a Mormon. It was not due to sin, it was all to due with the doctrine of the Mormon church. As I continued researching and studying my eyes were opened to the errors and false doctrine within the standard works alone. I didn’t search any information other than the approved works.
I feel blessed to have had the drive I did when I was making this blog back in 2008. I believe God gives us paths that we must follow in order to learn of him and my trip down Mormon-hood was where I needed to be.
My story as to why I left…
It’s not like this was an easy choice, people. It wasn’t like I woke up one day and thought “Hmmm… think I’ll stop being a Mormon today.”… This was long coming. I’ve been back and forth with my faith for many years. As a child I wanted to believe. I was so excited to have Young Womens to go to and a club of friends to have. When I finally went I became so annoyed by the girls and teachers discussing more about who liked who that week than actually teaching about god. I didn’t know much about God and I thought this would be my way to learn. It wasn’t. I stopped going. After High School I got heavily into the church and thought the happiness I felt in belonging meant it was true. A young returned missionary I’d been dating made learning bible stories and doctrine easy for me. The questions I had were simply answered with simple doctrine. Anything large, I didn’t even think to question. I was happy with simplicity. It wasn’t far reaching from my comfort zone.
When I turned 20 I wanted to desperately go on a mission. I wanted to be what my boyfriend at the time was for me in teaching the gospel. I’d only been active in the church for a year. Many things could have stopped me, but I pushed on and went on a mission. I was so sure of the basics I felt I could teach them to others with passion and a voice to shake the earth. I received a strong feeling from god to go on a mission. I believe God leads us through specific paths to help us find what he wants us to. Going on a mission was one path I had to take in order to learn truly about him.
As time went on while serving my mission and 24/7 study of the gospels, I realized my need to understand more than just the basics. My need for the “How and Why” started kicking in. If I was going to teach others, I needed to know the “How and the Why”… I started researching the approved doctrines we had as missionaries.
My first big discovery was with Polygamy. I remember it clearly. I was on my mission, standing on the porch of our mission apartment studying while my companion was showering. I laid my scriptures on the balcony ledge and let the wind open them. 3 pages opened… Wilford Woodriff’s explanation that anyone trying to lead away god’s people from the true doctrine would be taken from the earth…. The doctrine of plural marriage in D&C 132… and King Solomon being condemned in the bible for having multiple wives and concubines. I stood there. My mind flooded with questions… I grabbed the phone and called the mission president. He told me that I didn’t need to concern myself while on my mission with that doctrine. That we wouldn’t know the true story until the next life. For some reason that didn’t settle with me, but rather than continue my whole mission with doubt, I said “OK” and pushed it to a back burner.
7 years later I found myself alone. My fiancé had almost died and I watched it happen. Our relationship was over. I knew then that I needed God. I needed him more than I’d ever before. I’d been told all my life that if I followed God I would never be alone. I focused my life goal on researching the gospel and becoming a strong and faithful woman in the church…
The Missionary Library was where I allowed myself to study. I studied daily. Missionaries visited me and taught me. One of my friends was baptized. It was while on a visit with the missionaries that a desperate cry came via phone to come and see her. We piled in the car and rushed to her side. She’d been talking with her ex about their baby girl that had passed away a few years back. She wanted her new husband and herself to be sealed to her daughter. The father of the child wouldn’t let that happen. She was beside herself in torment trying to understand what to do. Her daughter would never be sealed to her. Her life was over…. As I prayed quickly to God begging for an answer I had these words come to my mind… “If God is really a loving God, he would never separate a mother from it’s child. The sealing will not stop you from being that Child’s mother. The atonement of Christ has covered the cost. Families will not be separated. Sealed or not.”
I didn’t understand it. I’d been taught all my life the only way to be with your family forever is to be sealed, have your children either born in that covenant or be sealed to you. We were never taught the doctrine on families who divorce. New Members who ex husbands don’t want their children to be sealed to them… etc..
It was while talking with my cousin that I gained the courage to speak to my bishop about how I was feeling and the things I’d had questions about. I had full faith that he’d be able to calm my troubled heart. I went into his office, had dedicated a good 30 minutes of his time and told him I needed guidance. My heart was open and ready to hear anything he said. I assumed they would all be comforting… I simply said “Well I’ve had some questions even since I was a missionary about doctrine and the history of the church….” I was cut off and then he began a tyrannical lecture on how the history and the people didn’t matter. All that mattered was the Book of Mormon. Everything else, anything anyone said, it didn’t matter.
I had no idea how to respond. I sat quietly and in tears. I’d not been talking with “anti-mormon” people. I’d not looked at “Anti-Mormon” crap. I had only been searching within the Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price, Doctrine and Covenants, and the History of the Church. I’d not even tried to honestly compare the bible as all my life I’d been told that I was to judge the bible with a grain of salt because it had many errors in it. The most accurate was the Book of Mormon. All I knew was the Mormon version of Christianity.
I decided after trying to shake the feeling of depression that I would then with an open heart and open mind search the Mormon doctrine with the eyes of someone who knew nothing. Who knew their had to be a higher power and that I wanted to know everything. I searched the Missionary Library again. I felt disconnected to the Book of Mormon. In a way that I could truly judge the authenticity of Joseph Smith, his work, his story, and what the Mormons believed.
I kept telling myself that since I believed in a God that I’d be ok just staying in the mormon church. I kept researching the bible, the book of mormon, the doctrine & covenants and the pearl of great price. I also went to the Church library and read from the books they had there – History of the Church volumes. (I didn’t have the internet at the time.)
I went to the meetings, went to the events/activities, eventually my knowledge led me to become very annoyed with things that Mormons would say and the way they saw things. Very close minded. Sunday school lessons were frustrating to sit through. I’d bring up a different way of thinking about things, people would ponder, but the teacher would insist on bringing everyone back onto the close-minded track they wanted people to be on “Read your scripture. say your prayers. life will be good”…. Believe me, I taught in Sunday School. I know what goal the teachers are supposed to have in their lesson plans! Teach the principle. Don’t deviate. I was also a missionary, lesson plans must be so others see things in your way. No way else. Remember, your way is the right way!
I stopped going to Sunday School.
Eventually going to Sacrament became frustrating as I continued to research the bible and compare it to the teachings of the Mormon Church. Sacrament alone was so foundationally different. My hunger to know how Christ originally had his church, what he practiced, and what he believed lead me to keep searching. As I searched questions I’d had for years became answered. Doctrine no longer was left to “we’ll know in the next life” when things contradicted themselves. I knew the real story behind it. Every simple testimony aggravated me. I wanted nothing more than to get up and proclaim what I knew to be true. It had nothing to do with “modern prophets” and everything to do with Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Yahweh, Jesus the Christ, the true Apostles of Christ, etc…
I stopped going to Sacrament.
It was at this time I wondered what was I to believe if I don’t believe this? The Church had taught me all my life that anything besides their teachings was absolutely wrong. Not even to question. The only ones allowed to question were those seeking to become Mormon.
I left the singles ward I’d been in and moved to the Family Ward. I told my bishop how I felt and my testimony. I was told I was in good standing. I could take the sacrament. I could participate in lessons and I could even have a calling! I could go to the temple! I wasn’t someone who left the church due to sin. Yes, I’d had sins in my past like all members do, but it wasn’t a reason I left. I was in good standing.
One evening a set of sister missionaries came to teach me. I let them know how I truly felt about the book of mormon as they were trying to teach something and they burst into tears. Rather than upset anyone else, I figured I’d continue my studies on my own, but always allow the missionaries in my home as a sign of respect for what they were doing. The next set of sister missionaries came to visit. Oddly enough one of them was a long time FB friend’s daughter. I promised I’d watch out for her. They wanted to have me come to lessons and teach with them. I had to eventually tell them I didn’t believe I should. I believed nothing that they taught, but didn’t want them to know that. I wouldn’t cause disruption in her missionary experience.
The moment I realized that I could no longer believe was when I finally found out the truth of the Book of Abraham (Pearl of Great Price). How Joseph had “translated” the parchment and it wasn’t even the least bit correct. My heart sank. I felt like my world crashed and crumbled into pieces. One by one all of my feelings of doubt were gone but now that I had my answers I had nothing left to do but leave. I was not prepared for the actual moment I’d have to walk away. I don’t think it’s possible to ever be ready. I was angry, I felt lied to. I feared for the first time for my family and friends. The lies. The faith that so many put in a man. In a religion that so incredibly false. (I’ll go deeper into the doctrines if you message me only. Not here) I was sick, tormented for days wondering what do I believe in now. Everything felt wide open. Like every door was open and nothing was standing in my way… I was scared with my freedom.
A few months went by and my feelings of loss started to go away.
The points of doctrine that eventually lead me away felt like stepping stones out of a dark hole I’d been stuck in for 28 years. I took what I did believe in and have started my life over. From the moment I let go of the hope that my childhood faith was true, life has gotten ten million times better than it’s ever been. I know who my real friends are. I know who true family is. I have met the love of my life who doesn’t judge me and loves me for no matter what I believe.
Every religion has that tool as a way to keep members. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus Christ. I do not believe in Joseph Smith or the LDS church. I do not believe in religion. I do not believe that Christ’s church can truly be on the earth because humans are too corrupt to run it. I believe that God and Christ want us to do as he taught in the bible. To walk by faith in HIM, not a church. To do good in the world. To be a good person and take care of others. To show our faith by good words, thoughts and actions. In the end, it is God and Christ who will judge us. What “earthly club” (religion) we joined will not matter. But who we followed will.
So it’s been QUITE a while with all the things going on since I’ve posted.
Here’s a quick update. Christy is out of the hospital and home. It’s been a struggle because she’s definitely not the same Christy but she is Christy. We love her still.
I met a young man in October and we began a long distance relationship. We decided to get married and had been planning the whole thing. I picked out a beautiful dress and bought his ring. November 18th in the Sao Paulo Brazil temple. Then as things progressed, I kept feeling that I needed to look into an issue he’d had with the military but told me not to worry about. So I looked into it and found that a dishonorable discharge was given for him avoiding being deployed with his unit last year. I was heart broken! I’d bought a ticket to go to Brazil where he’d gone right before his unit deployed but now had no reason for going. Then as soon as I found out this information and decided in my heart I could never marry a man so immature and disrespectful not only to me but our country, he contacted me and said that he’d got the feeling that we shouldn’t get married. The Lord told him that. LOL! GOOD THING! GOD MUST BE SMART!!! I asked him what he wanted me to do about the trip and he said to still come. I prayed and felt I should still go but not for him. I was to go for his mother. I asked my bishop. He was very against me going! I asked him to give me a blessing. I was told to go and prepare for a great adventure awaiting me…
Well I went, my ex was immature and rude the whole time. Would hardly even talk to me let alone look at me. When I got home we fought via email. We can’t even communicate without him getting upset. His parents loved me and told him he was making a huge mistake. By the end of my stay there I finally just told his parents that I had made the choice to walk away. They still said I was adopted. LOL!
When I got home I started 2 new jobs. One as an office manager/HR manager and the other as a photographer. The photographer job was only 9 hours a week. The office manager job was full time – 40 hours. My boss had told me that he planned to fire the girl who was the current manager and hire me. Well when I got there she wasn’t fired, she was moved to sales and docked her pay. She said she’d raise hell all week she was training me and by the beginning of my second week, she did. I got into work one morning, my desk was changed, everything was different. She was sitting there. I went into my boss’s office with her and he said “Its not working out I’m going to have to let you go” with her sitting right next to me! Ugh!!! So I now have no job… other than one that I can’t survive on. I have no idea how to make rent, how to pay bills by the end of this month. I’m SCARED! I was laid off at the job I had before that one. And the job before that I was laid off too! The economy SUCKS here in the states and I can’t find work to survive! I may end up declaring bankruptcy! I have no idea what else to do! :’(
So that’s my life right now in a nut-shell. Yes, I’m struggling right now with my church attendance. Mainly because I’ve been sick as a dog since I got to Brazil and I’ve been trying to find work. :’( I have a meeting with my bishop tonight though. First time seeing him since before I left to Brazil.
Oh I almost forgot some things! Since before I left to Brazil my friend D and I have been writing each other. He’s currently in Boot Camp at the San Diego MCRD. He and I knew each other because of the Marine Corps. He was the guide at the recruiter’s office. He and I also worked at another place together. At the same time I was starting dating my ex I started falling for D. D told me I was crazy for falling for my ex. He was right. He left to boot camp telling me he’d stay out of my life and I’d never see him again. I had started falling in love with him. Well after about 2 months at Boot he tells his sister to find me and give me his address. I wrote him. We’ve been writing ever since. He writes almost every day. I miss him so much. He’s active in the church – PS. He says we can go out when he gets home. No guarantees on if we’ll end up together, but we can at least try. haha!
To those who don’t know, my friend Christy is currently in the hospital. On August 28th she suffered a sever head injury that resulted in 3 neuro surgeries to remove clotting. I have been helping to keep a blog for her and would love to share the experience I had today with her. It touched my heart…
“I saw Christy for the 2nd time since the accident today. She’s looking so much better. They took out every other staple in her head today too. Dustin and I sat with her for a few minutes. It feels so peaceful in the room. I know of no other way to describe the feeling than to say it feels like being in the temple. The spirit is so strong there. Christy had been coughing a lot to try and clear her throat. The nurse came in and cleared it out for her. Dustin left for a moment after she was done. I slid to the edge of my chair to see Christy and she opened her eyes and looked at me. As she did she pointed to her right and I asked if someone was there. She nodded her head. I asked if it was Grandpa and she quickly shook her head no. She was very sure it wasn’t him. I asked who it was and she shrugged to say she didn’t know. The spirit in the room was indescribable.
I can’t wait for Christy to come home so I can talk to her some more about the gospel. I loved our conversations. I miss talking to her and telling her things. I can’t do that right now. I hope she gets better soon. I miss her and love her. I’m so thankful she’s still here. Each day is a blessing. I’ve learned that now. Every breath is a blessing. This life is so short. I’m so thankful for Christy. So thankful for our loving Heavenly Father and for our Savior Jesus Christ. I’m so amazed by the sacrifice they both made so that we could have the chance to take a step back and look at our lives and change.
Christy, come home soon! We need to go to the temple. I miss you!
Alma 37:6 – “Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.”
Please visit Christy’s blog – Prayers For Christy
I’ve had a few trials of a life time already this year. My health seems to be one that’s not going to let up soon. I’d decided I was going to move, I moved into a condo with a friend’s sister and then woke up one morning unable to feel my legs or bend without pain. My situation was diagnosed a month later as disc herniation. Though it is mild-moderate, it still hurts like none other. I had also been training to join the military again. I think this is possibly Heavenly Father’s way of telling me “no”. Did I want to listen? “no.”… Instead I went to meet with a recruiter with the Navy and was sexually harassed by my recruiter. I was speaking with a guy at the time that I was madly in love with who is serving over seas – a Seabee in the Navy, stationed in Farah, Afghanistan. I told him and he called my recruiter’s office 10,000 miles away to yell at my recruiter’s boss. Thankfully the recruiter who had sexually harassed me had to call me not but 20 minutes later to apologize.
My thoughts as of now to joining the military have been extinguished. I no longer feel the desire to do so. To get into shape, yes, but join, no. The only desire I have to be a part of the military is working as a civilian or being a military wife. I only want one man hitting on me for the rest of my life and that man had better be my husband.
I’ve been going to a physical therapist close to home, they’re teaching me exercises to do and they hurt, but I push through the pain. I end up feeling it the next morning. My doctor believes that this injury is caused by my job. Meaning I will have to go in and file a worker’s compensation claim Tuesday when I get back to work. I am a graphic designer and sit for 8+ hours at a desk every day.
On top of the added stress of physical health I almost lost my job. I was seeing many doctors and my work was suffering. They decided to let me go. I begged them for a second chance and ended up on probation for 4 weeks. I just got through my 4th week on Friday. Hopefully things will go better and I will be able to keep my job a little longer.
The guy I was madly in love with went from talking marriage on Sunday to telling me we needed to slow down on Monday. Why? Because of stress… What stress you may ask? … War. He’s being over worked with little time to relax and having to worry about me – sexually harassed by recruiters and other things like that – isn’t what he needs right now. To be fair, we’ve never met and in 3 months we went really fast. He still has 6 months left and slowing down probably is a good idea. I just need to allow myself to see other men. Right now, if I was to be face to face with an attractive man who was genuinely interested in me, I’d probably not even notice. I spent last week crying over him… He says it’s ok if I do choose to date and ok if I don’t. I don’t but I know I should… When this all happened I was planning to send him a care package filled with his favorite candy bars, the April edition of the Ensign, DVDs of “Finding Nemo” and “The Sandlot”, and a copy of “The Holy Temple”. Tuesday I was writing the letter for his package debating on what I should say now that he wanted to slow things down… I got the feeling I needed to do something for him that I still would have done even if this hadn’t happened. I put my pen down, grabbed my bag, and drove over to the Distribution Center in Orem. A few weeks ago while we spoke on Skype he told me how he’d had sacrament that day in one of the extra storage sheds. Just he and another person. There are no other LDS people on his base. He picked up his humble scriptures and showed them to me. 4 military edition books duct taped together and on his duct taped cover it read “Mormon Battle Stories.”
I went straight to the shelf, picked up a compact quad and bought it along with a carrying case. For a little extra I had his name engraved on them. I sent the package the very next day.
If that wasn’t bad enough my roommate was being evicted for not paying rent. We (there are 3 of us) are all on 1 contract. The condo we live in is $850 a month. We’ve split the rent and the one with the master bedroom paid more. She was the one with the bigger lump sum. So she was evicted and we had to find someone to replace her before the 1st. It was a blessing in disguise when the first girl who came to see the place decided she wanted to move in right then and there. What a blessing! In any way, God was watching out for us with that. I’m almost thinking it’s meant to be that she live with us. She’s a sweet girl and I think I’ve already found a friend to go to my new ward with.
Today I am trying to just get through the day. The Spanish speaking missionaries just stopped by to see if anyone here spoke Spanish. I sure don’t. My last name is Spanish, but I’m as American as they come. I took their card and number just in case I do meet someone who speaks Spanish in my area. I don’t know anyone here. When the missionaries came only one thought came rushing to my head “My new ward has never seen me and they know my last name. They probably think I wont come because I’m Spanish.”
I wont come because I was outcast in my last ward and it’s taking all of me just to have faith that things will be okay. The day I moved out of my old apartment my stupid, cruel roommates used my bedroom as a garbage dump. I didn’t even get my deposit back from my old apartment complex. In fact they’re charging me $35 along with taking my deposit. They can kiss my butt if they want it, they’re not getting a dime from me!
I need hope, I need faith that there are good people out there. I’ve met a few, but I’m feeling quite alone right now. I do have hope that things will get better. They can’t all be bad! I got a new roommate and have a job! Right? The positive… Must focus on the positive.
I’ve been wound up so tightly lately over people who have used me, been inconsiderate towards me, and have hurt me that I’ve lashed out – holding nothing back – at EVERYONE who has ever done it in the past or is currently using me. I’m so tired of being walked on and I just can’t take it anymore! I’m cautious of all my other friends because of it… Or at least friends who claim they are friends. This morning I was thinking about how I honestly am all alone here in Utah Valley. Yes, I have a few friends here – all men – who don’t use me. Oddly enough I have only male friends who talk to me lately. Sarah and I still chat but we haven’t seen each other in a few weeks. All my REAL friends are M-A-R-R-I-E-D with children! I guess this is the facts of life, eventually you have to continue to make good friends… But I find it so hard to do that out here. I work my butt off every day at work, I actually don’t talk anymore at work because I feel like every time I open my mouth to chat with the girls they hate my guts. There’s only one guy who talks to me there. We mostly talk about politics. (holy crap, why is this making me cry?!) He’s the only one who acknowledges my existence when I enter the room in the morning. He always says “hello”. He’s kind of a quiet one too. But he’s opened up a lot more. I feel invisible. I feel like people purposely try to avoid me. Like I’m the annoying drunk girl or something… I’m not… but I feel like I’m being treated that way. I used to be bubbly and open and relaxed. Now all I am is quiet, reserved, and angry… What happened to me?! I’m becoming bitter and short tempered. I don’t want to end up the angry work-aholic who owns a million cats and one day falls out her window after talking to her boss on the phone and then the cats come save her and give her life and then she makes a crazy leather jumper on her sewing machine and pray paints crazy things on her walls….. ok, yeah, I think I’ve just watched wwaayyy too many movies lately…..
Either way, since I’m currently crying about all of this and who I’m becoming, I need to think of a way to get AWAY from this behavior… Lets see… Work. Can’t find friends at work. School. I don’t go to school. New ward. I haven’t been to my new ward yet, but I sure could find friends there! Institute. I hate going to institute because I can never find parking. I don’t want to walk 3 miles just to end up having huffed and puffed all the way there. Usually I get the weird guys asking for my number anyway… Is there another institute building SOMEWHERE?! The gym. Ugh, no. I don’t like looking for guys at the gym and I sure don’t like guys hitting on me at the gym. Online. Yeah, I’ve tried that. I’m only on one website and it’s all the same guys. There’s no one new. Wait, wait, wait! We’re not looking for men, we’re looking for GIRL FRIENDS!… Why do I always look for guy friends?… Maybe it’s because I can’t stand girl drama. Men don’t have drama. Well some of them don’t. LOL! I’ve met a few that have tons of it. But those ones I usually don’t talk to. I lost 2 friends already this year that were guys because they wanted to marry me. Nice men, just not in the gospel frame of mind and didn’t want to change.
You know what? I think I need to paint this blue wall in my bedroom. The guy at work told me that its a scientifically proven fact that blue walls will eventually make you depressed…. But I painted the walls beach colors, I didn’t think they’d make me depressed. Granted the blue walls (other 2 walls are sandy cream) are a bit dark… Maybe I could lighten the blue… I’ve got a heavy teal blue thing covering my window too… Maybe that’s making me depressed?! Hmmmm…. It’s a thought…
As most of you know I’ve had issues with the immature girls who live at Carriage Cove. Well this one takes the cake. I’d moved out 3 weeks before my check out date because I couldn’t stand living with those girls anymore. When I first moved in they were FANTASTIC! But one bad mistake – sleeping with a guy from my mission and while scare crapless hoping I wasn’t pregnant, I turned to them for support. They alienated me, avoided me, paired off, and counted me among the spawn of Satan. I wasn’t invited to church with them anymore, I wasn’t invited to any church activity, you name it they quickly ran out the door before I’d even attempt to ask if I could go with them.
Today was my check out at Carriage Cove. Yesterday I spent the whole evening CLEANING! My bedroom, the bathroom – there’s still dark spots on the tub, I’m sure they’ll fail me, the kitchen, everything! I was PISSED! So at 9pm I gave up and went home. Everything was done. I planned to come back at 8am to check out like planned. I went into the office and Dawnetta, the manager, tells me to leave the keys and paper work on my desk in my room. So I went back over to the apartment and left it there. When I walked into my room I saw something that pissed me off like no other. THE STUPID @#$!%*&!()*& (#*&$!~)%& USED MY BEDROOM AS A GARBAGE ROOM!!!!! They took every bit of garbage they could find and PUT IT IN MY ROOM!!!!!! I quickly gathered everything – IT WASNT MINE! And ran it out to the dumpster. Making sure to try and wake the house as I rushed things out. Banging as I left. Danielle woke up and opened the door. I screamed at her “THESE ARE NOT MINE AND HOW DARE YOU GUYS USE MY ROOM AS A DUMPING GROUND RIGHT BEFORE CHECK OUTS!!!”
“We put it in there because we didn’t know who it belonged to.”
“We knew you’d clean it out because you were coming back”
Right then I almost punched her in the face! I took the last bag of crap before I could punch her and rushed it out the door. She went back to her room. I came back in, went into my room, dropped off the keys and locked the door as I left. As I rushed to my car before I could picked up a friendly rock and pitched it towards a bedroom window of the roommate I’ve hated most and I’m sure cooked up the plan, I called Carriage Cove. Dawnetta was in the office but didn’t answer, so I left a message. I explained what happened and said “If anything else fails, I’m sure I’ll know who to blame. I spent a day cleaning that place!”
All I can say is I’m SO GLAD I’m not going to have to deal with those STUPID, IMMATURE, RUDE, and B!TCHY 19-22 year old GIRLS anymore.
Well I seriously need to post what’s been happening…
Last Wednesday I met with the Stake President and told him what was going on with my bishop. I told him I wasn’t “taddling” on my bishop, I just honestly wanted to know what my next step was. What I needed to do in order to get my recommend back. He said as far as he saw it it wasn’t a matter of sin that I was waiting for and since my bishop was a new bishop, he needed to counsel with him and find out what his reservations were. So I waited… almost a week I waited… I wondered if I was even going to hear from my bishop for an interview at all… Tuesday I got the call from the executive secretary. I had a meeting with my bishop Wednesday at 8:20.
I went into my interview thinking “okay, don’t let him know how hurt you are, just wait.” He asked for updates on what was happening in my life. I told him about my awesome new therapist and reminded him gently how the Church had asked me to see a therapist after having a neighbor on my mission attempt to rape my companion and I – sending me home 9 months early. I reminded him how I was unable to afford my therapist, but the Church promised to pay for it in full and that the Church had never mentioned that I only needed to see someone at LDS Family Services. I’ll need to speak with my new bishop about that one, I suppose, since I only have a month left at my current apartment.
The bishop then asked how he could help me and I responded “I want to know what I need to do now to get my recommend back.”
He then asked how I was with the law of chastity and if I felt ok. I said yes. He then said “Well I can do the interview now or we can do it whenever.”
He then told me that he’d heard from the stake president and I burst into tears. He told me that one day he hopes I will be able to get past the pain caused by my experiences with sexual abuse and that I can get the help I need. I was not responsible for the sins that man had done against me and it was not my fault. He hoped one day I’d be able to truly believe that of myself. That’s one thing I have been struggling with. I need to know deep in my soul that I am clean and pure and that the atonement really does make me clean. And like Heavenly Father has promised, I have been made clean.
Bishop asked for forgiveness about whatever he may have said the last time we met that made me think he was mad at me or didn’t want to help me… It was far longer than that that the problem had been going on, I was just too chicken to say anything.
I had my recommend interview today and got my recommend back. Oddly enough I feel the same as I did before. I know I need to read my scriptures more and pray longer and more often. Heavens, all of us can do that more! But I’m thankful for the help of a loving stake president who was willing to listen to me cry for a good half hour and ask for help.
I can’t wait to get back to the temple. Honestly it all happened so suddenly it feels like a dream! If anything, I hope others take my struggle I’ve been through and realize that if something feels unfair or odd, speak to a stake president or even someone higher in the stewardship line. If I was the one out of line, my stake president would have said so. But I wasn’t. So things are better. My task now is to heal myself of the issues I now have due to my rape.